


Early Morning Meat Market

by messofthejess



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Suburbs, Azusa gives exactly zero fucks, F/F, F/M, Full-frontal nudity, Humor, Neighbors, Petty Bullshit, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:04:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8507161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messofthejess/pseuds/messofthejess
Summary: Azusa just wants to enjoy her morning coffee in peace without seeing her neighbor's ridiculously oversized genitalia.





	

            Azusa had worked her ass off to get to where she was now. Four years of undergrad, three grueling years of law school while hustling full time as a law clerk, years of sharing cramped apartments and driving rusted-out pieces of trash with her now-wife while they saved up money for their first house. She should be able to look out the front window of her suburban house, sip her morning coffee, and contentedly take stock in everything: the neatly manicured boulevards, the sidewalks that were swept free of leaves, the lack of heavy car traffic.

            She should not have to put up with seeing massive naked dongs every morning.

            To be fair, it’s not exactly _every_ morning, and not all of them are unclothed. She supposes this is a consequence of being across-the-street neighbors to four of her college classmates: they’re all just too comfortable with one another. Spirit Albarn, freshly divorced, had recently taken to having his, ahem, _friend_ Sid Barrett stay over. Yeah right they’re just friends—Azusa is a lesbian, she can smell the gay brewing from miles away. Friends don’t wander out of each other’s houses at the asscrack of dawn in boxers or a bathrobe or occasionally in the buff to pick up the paper. Especially when she saw them wearing the same bathrobe on alternate days. Good for them, honestly. It took the pressure off of her and Nygus being the only couple to upset the Very Straight status quo around here.

            Her other neighbors, the ones directly across the way, were her best friend from college Marie Mjolnir and her fiancé Stein. It was Stein that Azusa was having the nudity issue with. They’d had issues going back way before they were neighbors: Azusa thought he was too, well, bizarre for Marie (and that certainly wasn’t motivated by any kind of romantic interest in her best friend, no it wasn’t), and Stein thought Azusa was a goody-two-shoes tattletale who relished too much in her job as student head of campus security. What, was she just supposed to let him break into the biology labs and let him mess with the preserved human bodies that were kept under several supposedly unbreakable locks? But Azusa had found love with Nygus in their junior year, and after many years of tap-dancing around their very obvious attraction, Marie and Stein finally got together. They were in the throes of planning their wedding, or at least Marie was. Azusa kept getting inordinately detailed texts and Pinterest links while she was at work showing off fluffy wedding dresses that would hide Marie’s growing baby bump and multi-tiered cakes. She suspected she’d be getting a bridesmaid invite any day now.

            Anyway, back to the dong. For all the monochrome turtlenecks and long, white lab coats he wore in college, Stein had lost his modesty somewhere along the line living with Marie. A short bathrobe she could understand, but the man came loping out of his house nearly every day to get the paper naked as the day he was born. She might be gay, yet Azusa could still appreciate the male physique. Stein had something bordering on an eight-pack, which she didn’t even know was anatomically possible, and was overall quite toned for being so lanky. But good God, the man was hung like a banana tree. It was _indecent._ Obscene. Azusa had tried and failed at figuring out how Marie hadn’t been split in half by this point. The thought made her shutter.

            This morning, she’d had enough. All Azusa wanted was to gaze out her front window and enjoy the simple pleasure of a cup of coffee before heading off to the law office for another day of tearing families apart (that’s at least what several of her angry opposing parties have used for a job description). She didn’t need an unsolicited plate of hard-boiled eggs and sausage to go with that. So when she shuffled into the kitchen to grab her mug and take one down for Nygus, she also took out the heftiest mug they owned: a horrifically rainbow tie-dyed gag gift that read in bubbly letters _My Parents Said I Could Be Anything, So I Became a Lesbian._ She opened the front door and stood on the steps with the premise of letting the dogs outside to pee, but all the while she was waiting. Waiting. Stein was like clockwork, always coming outside at 7:45.

            The second hand clicked over the 12 on her watch, and there he was, sauntering out the front door of his off-white two-story house painted all over with gray stitches—the Homeowner’s Association was having a fit about that decorative choice—bare-assed and smug as ever. Azusa waited until he was nearly to the fence line, tossing the mug in her hand like a softball. Then, with all the grace afforded to a Division II pitcher who took her team to nationals three times (somehow she managed to avoid most other lesbian stereotypes, but that one stuck), she lobbed the mug toward her target.

            Bullseye. Stein hit the ground like a felled oak tree, yowling like a cat with its paw stuck. How the mighty fall. Azusa casually turned away and called the dogs inside behind her, smirking.

            Nygus had woken up in the time since Azusa was outside, shuffling into the living room in her yellow duck slippers and rumpled pajamas and clutching her mug of coffee.

            “M-morning, baby,” she yawned and leaned on Azusa’s shoulder.

            “Good morning,” Azusa kissed her wife on the top of her head, smoothing out her dreadlocks with her free hand. “Didn’t you have the late shift last night?”

            “Mm.”

            “You know you don’t have to get up for me. Sleep.”

            “Wanna see you off to work. ‘S what spouses do.” They had some variation of this conversation at least once a week, with Nygus grumbling from the 11-7 shift at the hospital and Azusa insisting that she didn’t need to wake up and stress her body out further. But Nygus usually headed back to bed after they shared morning coffee and before Azusa took her shower, and woke up just as Azusa got home so they could spend the night together before Nygus had to go to work. The late shift was temporary, only until the other head nurse came back from maternity leave, but still understandably rough.

            “I appreciate that, dear.” Azusa smiled and tilted her head down, and she and her sleepy wife shared an equally sleepy early-morning kiss complete with morning breath. Not that the morning breath mattered between them, anyway.

            Nygus sighed in contentment and went back to leaning on Azusa’s shoulder, but not for long. Her bright blue eyes narrowed, and she straightened up to peer at the scene taking place across the street. “Why is Stein writhing around on the ground in pain?”

            “No idea.”

            Nygus whipped around. “You answered that way too quickly to be innocent.”

            “Hey, who’s the attorney around here?” Azusa shot back. She kept her eyes glued across the street and sipped her coffee nonchalantly, watching Marie in a canary-yellow bathrobe fluster about her fiancé in their front yard, her hand diving into a pocket for her phone.

            “You’re not even a criminal attorney, you don’t do cross-exam—”

            The phone in Azusa’s pocket started blaring AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck,” cutting Nygus off. The two women shared a look, Azusa still playing innocent and Nygus’ stare getting narrower by the second.

            “Answer the phone,” Nygus said flatly.

            “No.”

            “Answer it.”

            “ _No_ , Nygus.”

            “Why? Do you have something to hide?”

            “Why are you grilling me like this?”

            “If you did nothing wrong, then you have nothing to hide. _Answer the damn phone._ ”

            Azusa rolled her eyes and plucked the phone out of her pocket. “Fine. If it’ll make you happy,” she grumbled, swiping the green phone icon on her screen and holding it tentatively up to her ear.

            “YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING BITCH!” Marie screamed from the other end.

            “And good morning to you, too, Marie,” Azusa smoothly replied.

            “DON’T GIVE ME ANY OF THAT ‘GOOD MORNING’ SHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”

            “I haven’t a single clue what you’re talking about.”

            “YOU THREW A COFFEE MUG AT MY FIANCE’S JUNK.”

            “Oh really? Do you have evidence to prove that?” Attorney mode engaged.

            “WHO ELSE HAS A SHITTY RAINBOW MUG TALKING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN.”

            “I gave you that for Christmas three years ago!” Nygus said, scandalized. Azusa shushed her and inched the phone further away from her ear.

            “I wanted to censor your fiancé’s ‘junk,’ as you put it, because it is indeed junk,” Azusa said, ignoring the wild gesturing from Nygus next to her.

            “WHAT DID YOU CALL MY FIANCE?”

            “I don’t want full-frontal nudity in my good white Christian suburbs, Marie.”

            “IS THAT A CRACK AT FRANKEN BEING JEWISH?”

            “No, it’s a reference to the constricting social status quo that comes with this neighborhood. Or is it too early for irony?”

            “HE’S GOING TO HAVE BRUISES FROM THIS, YOU KNOW.”

            “Blue balls shouldn’t be anything new for Stein. I seem to recall you left him with those plenty of times in college,” Azusa smirked. Nygus’ indignation melted into giggles at that comment.

            “THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.”

            “I really don’t think it is. Also, perhaps the pain wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t still have those piercings digging into his skin.”

            “THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.”

            “It’s my business when they glitter obscenely in the morning light. No one needs to look at that shit except you.”

            “I—WELL—I AGREE. YOU SHOULDN’T BE LOOKING, ANYWAY, YOU’RE MARRIED!”

            “Kind of hard not to,” Azusa shrugged.

            “YOU’RE PAYING FOR THIS, AZUSA!”

            “Send the bill to my office,” Azusa quipped dryly and hung up on Marie. She probably needed to leave within the next 15 minutes to avoid getting her car keyed by a tiny, irate Swedish woman, so she’d have to skip the shower for today. Shame—she was kind of looking forward to some soapy fun with her wife. Speaking of which, Nygus was now doubled over in a giggle fit, her shoulders shaking.

            “You—are still—in so much trouble,” she wheezed. “But—that—was so—damn— _funny_.”

            “Glad I could entertain you,” Azusa grinned. “I better get going, though.”

            “Aww, so soon?”

            “Yes. I’d rather not pay for both Stein’s medical bills _and_ a new paint job on the car.” Azusa patted her wife on the shoulder and drained down the rest of her coffee, satisfied. It had already been a good day, and it wasn’t even noon yet.

           

           

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you let me ramble on Tumblr chat to DollyPop about a suburbia AU. Credit for this particular idea (Stein walking around naked in the mornings and Azusa getting increasingly more irritated with it) goes to her. 
> 
> I may make a series in this AU. This was really fun to write!


End file.
